Pleasure and pain

It was a strange time.
I felt a little guilty but it also felt right.
So over and over I had sex with him.
I’d take a few minutes to get my mind into it and maybe even pray.
And then I’d do it.
The one time we didn’t use protection I told him it was okay because I wouldn’t get pregnant anyway.

I don’t think God hated me at the time.
I think he understood what I was going through and that it was just a phase.
So he was patient with me.
But I don’t understand why he was patient, mainly because I don’t hesitate to write people off when they purposely wrong me.
My prayers were too sincere;
I often used curse words and took full advantage of what I had heard – that God can take it.

Months later, someone said that through his rough season, he didn’t think God left him or that he left God. He thought they got in a fight.
And finally I understood.
I got off the rails because I was fighting with God over purity, Because I didn’t want to simply accept it as the way to live.

I am grateful for the turmoil and all the time it lasted.
I am grateful because God broke everything down like a course and made me understand, even if through pain, why I must focus on him and remain sexually pure.
I have stopped regretting that strange time and that strange man.
I often tell God to plan some courses for him, but maybe without the pain.